A heavy topic… But it’s been the focus in the last few weeks.
I shouldn’t blame myself in anyway for not seeing the down fall I’m told. Long physical distance gives one a chance to hide quite a lot yet am I not suppose to know this person better than anyone in the world? How did I not put the pieces together before it all got to point where the man I was building a life with is so deeply in crumbles that only a heavy medication helps him get through the days? Should I have pushed more instead of just being supportive and a soft place to fall instead of possibly adding more stress by breathing down his neck? Where does one draw the line? When is it time to push and call them out so to speak?
It’s hard to watch in the sidelines for it all to come in the open and being completely unable to help. It also raises selfish questions like should I wait and see if our relationship is salvageable? Is he the same person I’ve always know when he gets better or is there another him beneath all the layers that might not be compatible with me at all? Is he really the person I love and have loved? Can deep mental health issues change ones personality so completely?
A lot of the changes I’m doing was motivated by our relationship and where we planned it to go. I do still pursue these changes because they are also made for myself and for my own best. Yet it feels quite empty when the end result might not include the one thing I wanted mostly. I don’t feel sad for me, just… knocked back.
Why goods things don’t happen to good people like everyone always keeps saying?
